Sick

I am sick. I have been sick for about 5 years now. I don't want to get cut on without an official dx and they can't seem to be able to figure out what is wrong with me. What I do know is that I agree most with the dx of GERD (of all the ones that have come up) what I am most scared of is that my liver has gotten damaged somewhere along the way. My worries are that I won't have anyone to help me with the kids and if you had ANY idea what a week in the life of us is like... well.... someone has to do what I do and that someone is always me. I would insert a smart-ass remark right now but I won't... I just wish I wasn't always so alone. I never thought in a million years that I would be a single parent of three boys. Now I am moving off this pity pot cause if I don't I am sure to cry and I don't like to cry. Crying is a sign of weakness and besides that your tired afterwards and I can't afford to be more tired then I already am.

It is a Friday night.. I have not ate since Tuesday and I really can't count that since I ended up throwing all of that up before the night ended.

*insert off topic... I just heard my three year old telling the puppy to get some act right or he would be going back in his house!... I wonder where he heard that one from? :)

But I digress, I am weak and tired... I didn't turn my term paper in but I am going to send it in late along with my ER notes. I just really don't have time right now... I was hoping to wait until the boys were older. I know that dinners and stuff will come from all my friends and I will probably have one or two who will come clean for me once or twice but what will be the hardest is getting the kids to and from school and getting homework done and baths and bedtime... that will be the part I am not looking forward to. oh well, it is life and it is the one that apparently God designed for me.

I find myself just simply praying... for God's will and some wisdom, because I obviously have no idea what I am doing. I also find that I can almost hear him telling me that I need to stop trusting him to heal me and start trusting him to see me safely through surgery and healing.