I'm not alright

This about sums up how I feel lately. I am glad that I am able to recognize my own failure and my own brokenness.. I am very ready though for God to heal my heart. I can't figure out why it feels the way that it does. The, I really don't know what he is to me, told me today that I needed to rework my steps, and I probably do. In fact I think I am going to break out the old literature and ponder on it when I get in the tub. I have the kids in bed though and I have my workout clothes on and I am about to get on the treadmill and go until I can't anymore, then I will do the soak thing. I am hoping to get to bed early and that the treadmill will help that process. I just praise God that I know that even though my heart is broken and I know that I am hiding behind walls, he can restore my heart and make it whole again... the only thing is... I am really not ready for my walls to fall.. I really don't desire to expose myself ever again and I really don't feel like being vulnerable.. I just don't trust that the payout is worth the effort.